I like writing and I feel I have a lot to share with the world. I have been through some pretty heavy shit and have had some challenges in my life that have held me back in some ways, but made me the person that I am today. And for that I am grateful for all of it.
I don’t expect its much more that anyone reading my blog, but for years I carried around a few things like a huge weight around my neck, it defined me and I never really got to find out who I really was. Not sure if this resonates with anyone but I would be really interested to hear your story and if how its effected you.
Over the last three years I have worked hard to understand my anxiety, my triggers and have gone quite deep into my past to unravel some learnt behaviours that we reflecting into my present that weren’t particularly helpful. Finding out who I want to be and who I want my children to know as their mum.
Please don’t get me wrong, I talk about a lot of crap stuff that happened, but not all of it was bad, I had a lot of happy parts.
My mum was an alcoholic!
This was pretty much from when I was 9 and it was a huge focus of my life. If mum was drinking it was tough and really sad. Looking back it was worse than I thought at the time, because I just thought that it was normal. Throughout my late teens and 20’s it defined who I was. Life revolved around if mum was drinking or not, how we could stop her, how I could help her stop. The effect it had on me as life went on effected a lot of things. When I became a parent it made it very apparent it needed dealing with.
Do I deserve love?
I really found it hard to trust people with my feelings. If friends let me down in the slightest I would just draw a line under the friendship and move on. I let myself either be the underdog in the relationship or if they started to care too much, I would bolt. I never really believed I was enough to make someone else truly happy. Then I met someone who stood up to my insecurities and made me believe I was loved. It didn’t end particularly well as I lost him to cancer and felt my heart was well and truly broken.
I spent many years single, lost and a bit sad if I’m honest. I had amazing friends and a very special friend who always had my back. If you find one of those by the way, do not let them go. I had a great dog too. Between the dog, the amazing friend and a bit of universe magic, they brought me THE most amazing person, who not only was super easy to love, he showed me how easy I was to love. He was happy with himself, he was strong and just so amazingly genuine and kind.
Life after kids.
We created some gorgeous children and although I was living my best years the fear and anxiety crept back in. Parenting makes you question a whole lot of things and your life is no longer your own. About 6 months after my second child I started to believe I wasn’t enough, I over parented because I wanted them to feel more love than I had felt in my own childhood. I made life particularly difficult for everyone to be honest. I lost a lot of weight because I was constantly running on adrenaline, constantly trying to make things better, when in fact they were absolutely fine as they were and didn’t need making better. I have to admit, its all a bit of a blur. I do remember going to the doctors and them prescribing antidepressants, but deciding to try changes to diet, booze, exercise and asking for help. This put a plaster over the problems and it did get better, a bit, for a while.
When something makes you realise you have one life
About 3 years ago, I almost died because of an ectopic pregnancy!! Without going through all the details, I went into hospital with an ectopic pregnancy and it took them 14 hours to diagnose me. I was by myself in the hospital as my partner had to look after the kids so it was a bit scary. I had so much morphine, but the pain was immense and I actually started to send goodbye texts as I thought I was dying. After the op, the doctor came and told me if I had been left 1 more hour I would have died and I was very lucky. I did not feel lucky!! I felt scared that I was here one day then almost gone the next. Leaving my kids with no mum was all that was in my head. What would happen if I died.
What I do know is that if I had been less healthy than I was at the time, I might not have made it. Physically I healed amazingly well but emotionally, I was broken. I ended up getting some trauma counselling, which was the hardest thing, but the best thing that I ever did. It unlocked a whole load of things I hadn’t dealt with around my parents, it was like going into the chamber of secrets that I had pushed down for years not really addressing them, not acknowledging them for what they really were. Understanding how some of my thoughts and actions are a product of this and what I needed to do to change things. It took time and courage, but I did things that started to make me believe I was important and I did deserve to be loved.
This happened over 3 years ago and since then I have developed my connection to my loved ones but most of all discovering and still discovering who I want to be and what makes me happy.
Happy! Healthy! Strong! These are the three things I check in on everyday!!